Let’s be honest with us, shall we? Our present-state was never our realisation of our blueprint of life and the person we are going to be will never be based on that blueprint. No baby while taking their baby steps think that they are going to change the world all they think about is getting the attention of their parents when they don’t require it. In short, they have a fear of missing out. If any baby is reading it go have some cerelac, momma’s calling you. So as I was saying this blueprint which we create about our life doing minor adjustments in it as we progress in life is never realised to it’s fullest. Sometimes we get what we want and sometimes we get what we don’t want or never had ever wished for.

Talking about myself, when I was a toddler I wished to become a train driver, when I grew up all I knew was to listen to my mom, study, play sports/video games and sleep. Being a teenager a sense of existence began to seep into my mind, wanting to find my purpose, something I and the people around me could associate with and you all might laugh at it but I am being brutally honest I thought I will do good in studies i.e. clearing olympiads, trying to ace exams and being amongst the kids whom people consider to be cool guys with brains. We all had our shares of attention-seeking desires, while the self-aware ones were busy in self-enlightenment. Somehow this attention-seeking habit of mine made me entitled to become an engineer. Also a subplot in my story I legit sucked at English language and still do but I never thought that I would be using this language to communicate about my feelings to you all. So yes I had a blueprint in my life where being an Engineer was never in my equation and now I am studying in an Engineering college and writing blogs to deal with my depression xD!

The Paradox of Domain and Outcome

When talking about purposes and desires there always has been a conflict within ourselves, either we tend to conform ourselves to a bigger picture or we tend to create our masterpieces. There never exists a dialogue between these school of thoughts you have to follow one or the other latter being referred to as Existentialism. The beauty of these school of thought is that you can explain any phenomenon or action taking place around you by pertaining to any of this school of thought.

If you follow the “ you already have a destiny ” ideology then all the events and accidents are like content for your biopic. On the contrary, if you follow “ you create your own destiny ” then there is a big deal of explanation which I owe you right now. In mathematics, there is a concept of domain, perhaps ( sips English Tea ) a very important concept. A domain is a set of input which yields a valid output in a function. The beauty of the word domain is that you can use this word as per your convenience to portray helplessness. If you boil down your actions and outcomes to a fundamental function-based model, the domain of the outcome you want is something which we forget to take into consideration. Often we tend to ignore the period of the action and the number of subjects which are allowed to give inputs to yield a certain output. For example, if you want an Ice Cream you can’t just to the Ice Cream Van and give authoritative look to the vendor and expect an Ice Cream ( that guy might call you a maniac or worse call police to get your arse off ), other than your guts to go that van what also matters is that’s Vendor’s acceptance of your request as well as availability of the resources to make the ice cream. We need to understand the fact that depending on the domain of the outcome we can determine the accuracy of the prediction of our outcomes. Therefore our actions aren’t the sole parameter which we should consider when having an existential thought process. According to me, maturity is -

When facing a similar incident from the past, the increase in amount of the parameters you take into consideration before acting on that incident is maturity.

Optimistic Nihilism

The chaos and randomness we face in life are sometimes disheartening when we think about it. The small knobs which tend to create the deviations in our life make us feel to have a lack of control in our life. No matter which school of thought you follow having a bad destiny or realising that your actions don’t have that much weight on your outcome is something in which we would like some control. A being a tiny dot on this spot which won’t be a pixel big when compared to our own Sun feels very insignificant. Growing up, growing conscious and becoming mature and self-aware existence and purpose is something which we always thrive for. A person can live with pain but can’t live with no purpose or goal or existence. An existential crisis is a major mental health issue. Feeling of being no one and dying as no one is much worse than dying with cancer. Acceptance, existence and importance is the price we have to pay to get this beautiful gift of consciousness. Thinking random does include thinking negative, thinking aware and thinking the truth. The narratives we weave, the struggles we face and the crisis we suffer from apparently has no significance in this world and what world this tiny spot! Feeling so pessimistic how can some be optimistic at all. That’s the beauty of our mind, we have a workaround for everything and so do for this nihilism too.

Finding optimism in this bitter truth of Nihilism seems like a paradox in itself but we always have been fooling ourselves around whether it’s now while writing the article or when later on you reading this article. No matter how close we feel we are towards the truth look back you are walking in the wrong direction. Think about this dying earlier or sooner does it anyhow affect your life if Steve Jobs wouldn’t have made iPhone would you have felt primitive. If Thermodynamics was not a thing would you still had been crying for industrial revolution …. absolutely not! The resources we have right now the more we had or the lesser we had we would still have been feeling the same amount of emotions whether it be pain or satisfaction or pleasure. Many times in life I considered myself very lucky and many times very unlucky either it was missing out on things just by a slight margin or achieving a few things just by a slight margin. The society, the race, the hierarchy, the privileges all these things don’t have a tad bit affect on this universe. The entropy was always negative and still, we will be. The things always will tend to more chaotic no matter what path we take. Giving you a thousand reasons about how dumb we homo sapiens are doesn’t make you feel nice but think about this if your reason to stay happy is dumb then so is your reason to stay sad.

It’s All Temporary

We have our shares of highs and lows and somehow these curves mean a lot to us. Optimistic Nihilism was never about acting smart and doing nothing it was about being more stupid and experimenting with life. It feels sad to be sad but your sadness is all temporary because you are looking in your life through a small domain of input. Widen your perspective it’s not that bad. I am sad you are sad so what, this sadness will vanish away because it’s all random. I could model a universe with 5 variables or 1000 variables and still would be called a fool because it is way too difficult to comprehend. So is this emotion of yours. Be random, stay foolish and never cease to try. Our aim should never be to find our existence or to make our existence but to try, to experiment. Why jump off a 1000 metre cliff with a parachute because it is fun, so if our life. If you climb down the cliff with 1000 safety instruments or just jump straight off you still are going to land in a vast forest of nothingness. Finding purpose in life is same as find meaning in a banana stuck to a wall by a piece of tape. We all are foolish and we all will face foolish outcomes no matter how hard we try. As said earlier our biggest fear is not to be in constant pain but to live without a purpose but I would like to correct this line by saying

Our biggest fear is not to live without purpose but to be foolish enough to not accept our foolishness.

My English is very poor but I write as it fortifies my illusion of social validation.